FOE

Foe, Selected writings 2016-2020, © 2020


Daydreams

I went for a snowy forest walk on the mountain with my best friend. He was abundantly happy, jumped around like crazy, bit the snow and sneezed, again and again.
It felt cosy, this white world. I was listening; could hear the snowflakes falling when my dog was quiet for a moment. The silence was like a giant pillow. The cold was freshening.

Invited my children & co. for a trip. There was an exhibition about archaeology in a nearby city or another one about impressionism in another city.
We took the train. The frozen landscape was flying by outside. We had hot chocolate with apple pie. Were having a great time, lots of laughter, good conversations.

The first dream was real more than twenty years ago. The latter never happened.
I can do whatever I want to. My freedom is limitless.
As long as I stay inside my head I won’t be confronted with a body that doesn’t work.

2018, March 1

***

Handicap

Not handy, definitely. For example:
Conversation. A speech disorder of some kind can cause people to think that you are interrupting them, while you are trying to finish the sentence they were talking through.
Or: at some point you will have to start speaking, otherwise, you’ll never get to say a word. Anyway, you take too long.

Wheelchair. Most interactions will take place high above your head, between people standing face to face. You will have to break your neck attempting to take part. You are lucky if you are not placed front outwards. Mostly it is advisory to start thinking about something else to do.

Socializing. I have experienced situations where someone simply grabbed the wheelchair from behind to put it aside when it was in the way. They placed it facing the wall as if it was empty. But I was sitting in it. I was on my way somewhere and needed to pause for a short while.
Or: someone with the sincere intention to help, would address your companion, because they think they know better, can do better, whatever.
You hear the quarrel unfold somewhere at the rear, nobody asks you. You haven’t even seen the person.

Diminished sight, speech, hearing, mobility will make people think you are retarded, even if they have to ask you to whom they could talk instead.
They make sure to use simple language, repeat, talk loud.

But sometimes you will end up in an oasis of revalidating consideration. Encounter someone, who picks a chair to sit at your height, talks naturally about interesting things, conducts a dialogue. And most people just don’t know how to approach a disabled person and don’t like to be confronted with it.

2018, January 11

***

Question

What makes you the person you are? Or the person you think you are?
Your thoughts, your actions, the reflection of others?
Your abilities, your achievements, your history?
Your independence? All of this together?

What if you are deprived of some, or all of this?
Can you still count on being the same person?
Be seen as that?

Can deprivation change who you are?

2016, July 2

****

Time again

Today is a bubble.
Life is happening outside of it.
Tomorrow and the day after tomorrow invite me to visit. Yesterday pushed me into this day, but this day is almost entirely lost.

I have a lot to look forward to, big changes are on the way. Improvement, a better life, luck, determination, happiness, love surround me and fill me.

Waiting for better days.

2016, October 26

****

Dark colours

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
The five stages of coping with loss and grief according to Kübler–Ross.
I have the delightful possibility to go through the process again and again. Not all of them every time; acceptance is rather hard to achieve and denial is not a reality for me any longer.

But dark colours are brightening. Every leaf unfolding on a branch is a victory of life.
Spring is in the air. Let the sun shine. 

2017, April 8

***

Foe 
 
What if you carry the enemy in you?  
I do. But most of the time I dream that I’m wholesome. I like to sleep.
 
I would prefer to be a little less ill. But this whole thing has taught me a lot. Not to rush through life, for instance. Be happy with small things. Sometimes it’s difficult to maintain this insight when I have to deal with healthy people who don’t yet understand that resignation can be a virtue.
 
MS. Two devastating letters. Could be worse, I’ve seen worse.
Pick up the pieces.
 
2020, January 26
 
 

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